Changes

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I’m 20, turning 21 on the end of the month. I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot, and changed a lot. These are the changes in my life and the things that I’ve learned.

Me and the beauty I see in others

As a teenager, I was used to being compared to others, picked on because of my imperfections, and gossiped about. Everyone would tell me, “that’s how highschool is,” or “that’s how girls are.” What a terrible place to be in – where girls are bringing other girls down. I hated that. I hated bullying. I hated comparison. Everyone is different from each other.

So what changed was how I looked at the situation – what changed was how I thought of other girls. Before, these things would imprint on my mind. I’d always think badly of others because that was the norm. Because that was supposed to make you feel better. But now it’s all different. I realized how beautiful each person is. Instead of talking about negative and hurtful things, I now outwardly speak of positive things. I don’t need to have discouraging and bad thoughts about someone to feel better about myself.

I now love to compliment others and that was me all along, I realized. I love to see the beauty in others. What I do is not fake. When I see something nice, I say it. And I always see something nice. Sometimes I still get the urge to think of others badly when insecurity gets in but I choose to fight that now. I don’t need that anymore. I had to be happy within myself in order to see the beauty in others.

That doesn’t mean that I’m doing that just to fish out compliments from others.  What I say is real. That doesn’t mean I can’t take on negativity or I can’t handle when people speak badly of me. I can shrug that off. It only means that I proactively choose to bring others up. I don’t care if people think it’s worthless to say such things – that’s their thing, this is mine. I don’t care if people think I’m fake because I say nice things. I think it’s beautiful and kind and that’s what matters.

 

Me and my friends 

I’ve had many people in my life come and go. When I was younger, I had such a hard time accepting these things. I learned a lot, though.

I saw the people who were real and this person who was just there when she wanted something from me. It hurt me, of course. It hurt me for a long time. But now I’m accepting. Now I’m healing. I don’t want to waste my time with that anymore. I hope you never have someone use you.

It’s a different story, however, for the friends that I have who I don’t communicate with that much. I know they love me and care for me, and that’s enough. I don’t need to seek attention from them all the time like I used to do with my friends before. They are always there, in good and in bad, and that’s enough.

I also have friends who I’m not super close to anymore but we’re still in good terms. I think it’s beautiful to see how both of you heal and just come back together, accepting that it’s different now but that’s okay. I still love them despite what happened. And they still (I assume) care for me even a for a little bit. I love it when I still connect with friends like these. It’s like a new day and a new chance to know someone again.

So this is what I learned: keep and take care of the friends who love and accept you for who you are, what you do, and where you are in life right now; friends who love you despite the distance and the time constraint; friends who you’re not close to anymore but you know you still care for each other; not super close friends who you enjoy talking to and spending time with; and friends who are truly down for you. Leave the others behind. You don’t have to torture yourself with false hopes. This is your life and you have the right to choose who can hurt you and who can share good times with you. Choose the people who are worth it.

 

Me and my goals, aspirations, and career

When I was in college, I had a road in my mind  I thought I’d follow easily. I would graduate, pass my boards, get experience here for two years, fly abroad and save, and come back here to study medicine. So that was what I did. I graduated, passed my boards (thank God), and I applied for work in a hospital as a staff pharmacist. And I hated it.

I loved the feeling that I was ‘serving’ others. I loved the things that I learned like mixing IV admixtures and chemo drugs. But I hated the time. I hate my ever-changing schedule. The salary was worse. I also did not see my family all the time (and family is the most important part of my life after God). I was always sleep-deprived. I hated it! So I resigned.

I then studied medical coding, which I thought would be a better option. It was also what my parents recommended. They invested a lot for that. And sadly, I’m not using it right now. Hopefully I can use it someday, but it’s not something that I really want to do solely.

So what changed? My plans, of course. I thought it would be easy but it’s hard to be an adult. Currently, I’m still clueless. I still don’t have a plan. I’m waiting for something and I hope it works out. I don’t want to go back to the hospital unless I’m a doctor (but who knows, that might change too). So I’ll be patient and I’ll wait this out. I will trust God. In the mean time, I’m making myself busy by writing on ProjectVanity.com and investing in stocks online.

 

So that’s it. How about you? What are the changes that you’ve had or experienced lately?

 

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